I don't like thinking about you before bed. It makes me angry. Angry at you. You left me, and some days I'm okay with that, and others I'm not. Your birthday is soon, maybe that's why I've been thinking of you lately. I'll be sure to take a shot for you (only if they have fireball of course).
Because of you I live in fear of losing someone I love, without warning, and traumatically like it was with you. Your suicide has changed my entire life. Changed what I was doing, where I was living, and what I wanted to do. For a lot of this I am grateful to you, but I still wish you were here to witness all the changes.
For the most part, I am okay. I think about you and smile, or I don't think about you at all. I look down at my wrist and remember you. I remember your happiness, and your love. But other times I think about that day, about the trauma, the heartbreak, the helplessness. I go through every detail of that day. That day will haunt me for the rest of my life.
I still feel an emptiness in my heart. I still cry and I still feel anger towards you. It's been a year but it feels like so much more and so much less at the same time.
I miss you, and somedays I have to remind myself that you're not here anymore. Those are the worst days. Somedays I am okay with you being gone, today is not one of those days.
