Angry Rant

Some days the world makes me so sad.
How is it that our first response as a society to domestic violence is 'she's lying' or 'she egged him on'. Am I the only one who realizes how completely ridiculous these responses are? It goes hand in hand with victim blaming when a woman gets raped, 'she drank too much' or 'she was dressed inappropriately'. The fact that ANYONE feels the need to judge a victim is mind blowing to me, and the fact that this is our initial response, really? How dare people wonder why victims of domestic violence stay in the relationship, how dare people wonder why victims of sexual assault do not come forward, THIS IS WHY. Not only do they have to deal with the trauma of what happened to them, but they then have to deal with being called a liar among an array of other things. We should be teaching both women and men that the first response to anyone who has experienced a trauma should be one of love and comfort not hate and judgement.
On days like today I truly feel like the world is broken and I find it hard to see the good in our society.

Sometimes I have feelings

I don't like thinking about you before bed. It makes me angry. Angry at you. You left me, and some days I'm okay with that, and others I'm not. Your birthday is soon, maybe that's why I've been thinking of you lately. I'll be sure to take a shot for you (only if they have fireball of course).

Because of you I live in fear of losing someone I love, without warning, and traumatically like it was with you. Your suicide has changed my entire life. Changed what I was doing, where I was living, and what I wanted to do. For a lot of this I am grateful to you, but I still wish you were here to witness all the changes.

For the most part, I am okay. I think about you and smile, or I don't think about you at all. I look down at my wrist and remember you. I remember your happiness, and your love. But other times I think about that day, about the trauma, the heartbreak, the helplessness. I go through every detail of that day. That day will haunt me for the rest of my life.

I still feel an emptiness in my heart. I still cry and I still feel anger towards you. It's been a year but it feels like so much more and so much less at the same time.

I miss you, and somedays I have to remind myself that you're not here anymore. Those are the worst days. Somedays I am okay with you being gone, today is not one of those days.

All of the things I couldn't say;

David had a glowing personality, he captured the attention of all when he walked in a room with his big goofy smile. He made friends wherever he went and was one of the most genuinely kindest people in the world. As a kid, he taught me how to bait my own hook, cast and fish, light fireworks, and of course how to have a good time. He would never let me refuse an experience or adventure (even if he had to pay me) and I am grateful for that. In December when the pool was freezing he said if I jumped in he would give me 20$, the downside was that I almost got hypothermia, but he still payed up. I am so thankful for the time we had together on his dream trip in Costa Rica. We zip lined, went horseback riding, learned how to surf, and of course went fishing. Although he was in so much pain, he didn't let anything hold him back from an experience.

I have very fond memories of going to Florida to celebrate the dogs birthdays, whether it was Barclay, Kacey Lou Fuzzy Toes, or Rio, we always made it a big party complete with party hats and cake. These are memories that can never be replaced and that I will always hold so dear. He could also make the best strawberry dauqiries I have ever tasted.

David was a second father to me. There was never a moment in which he didn't let me know how proud he was of me, and how much I was loved. He was always finding reasons to reward me, whether it be getting a job, good grades, or making it through another year. His high expectations of me even resulted in a few disciplinary talks that always ended in him explaining how much he loved me. He welcomed any and every stranger and would give you the shirt off his back without being asked.

The last thing I ever said to David was how much I love him, and how many people he has positively impacted in this world. I told him that we would never be able to go on without him, that this world needed him, that I needed him. I hope that he was able to read what I said, or that he at least knows now how much he means to me. The world has lost such an amazing man, but we have all gained a guardian angel. I love you so much, and I miss you more than anything.

During the burial Bruce read a fisherman's prayer that I found to be very fitting to David.

"I pray that I may live to fish until my dying day.
And when it comes to my last cast,
I then most humbly pray;
When in the Lord's great landing net
And peacefully asleep
That in His mercy I be judged
Big enough to keep."

This is not a goodbye, but a see you later. <3 p="">

Little late night reminders:

• We've all done unforgivable things.
• We've all had nights where it was hard to breathe.
• We've all wanted to smash mirrors and punch walls.
• We've all made someone cry.
• We've all broken someone's heart.
• We've all let somebody down.
• We've all given a wrong answer.
• We've all chocked on an 'I love you'. 

There are so many things that we beat ourselves up about, I am no exception. Sometimes good people make bad choices and hurt the ones they love. It's a hard pill to swallow, and I'm still learning how to deal with that. But I think the most important thing is wanting to improve yourself. You make a mistake and realize you never want to make that mistake again. Life is full of learning, of breaking down and having to build yourself back up. We all have our demons, the thoughts that keep us up all night, the haunting memories, the regret. All we can do is keep going, keep pushing, and hopefully one day, with a brave smile, we can put up a middle finger and move past all the things that haunt us. 

Rant about the real world

So I recently graduated college and here are my feelings about that:

What the fuck am I doing?

Guess I should keep applying to jobs.

NO ONE WILL EVER HIRE ME I SHOULD JUST WORK AT WENDYS

It's still appropriate to get drunk right?

Wait, why was I so anxious to get out of college?

Being a grown up sucks.

Whatever I'm not officially an adult until August.

Everything will be okay.

NO IT WONT.

That is the order of my thoughts about graduating and that happens about everyday. I know others feel the same way I do and it is scary for everyone but damn, I did not realize I would be having a panic attack every other day about what I'm going to do with my life. It is somewhat sad that we are expected to know what we want to do at the age of 22 or in my case 21. Honestly, I can't even decide what I want for breakfast let alone what I want for my future.

And another thing, I love my mom to death but damn I am way too used to not having any rules that living with her is hard. I miss being an irresponsible not yet adult that could get away with a lot of shenanigans.

After a night of fun and alcohol my friend Erika and I stopped at starbucks before I took her home and I'm not lying when I say we looked like we had a rough night, our hair wasn't even brushed. It was then that we sat waiting for our drinks and watching everyone in their business attire that we realized this was soon to be our lives. A horrible realization that we are trying to block out of our minds for at least a few more months.

To all the youngins out there...growing up kinda sucks, stay in college forever!

On the last day of class my professor left me with some enlightening words.

Everything has its cracks, that's how the light gets in.

•  Shut up about the perfection talk, no one and nothing is perfect, if it was we would all be bored out of our minds.

Give up the worry that's fucking you up.

• Don't let worry have enough control over you to fuck you up. The day to day worries are normal, but don't let it control your life, it's not worth it. 

Crazy?

Everyone always tells you to move on. To forget about whatever or whomever is hurting you. Don't talk about it, think about it, just forget about it.

But maybe everyone is wrong, maybe it is healthy to get your emotions out. It's not necessarily going to make me feel better telling you what an asshole you are, but it is for sure not going to make me feel worse.

Why is expressing your feelings always seen as a bad thing? For women especially we just get categorized as crazy. If crazy is not being afraid to say what you feel, sign me up. I've never been into this whole hide your feelings bullshit. I think if someone hurts you, you have a right to tell them. But, this only works if you're not looking for a response cause chances are you aren't going to get one. As long as you are okay with telling someone they're an asshole and not getting a response back, go for it.

If taking risks and sharing your emotions is crazy, normal must be awfully boring.