More Thoughts from the Past

The feelings of the past always seem to persevere into the future.

No matter how content you may be, when that one person contacts you again, the one who hurt you, the one that got away, you forget everything in the present and move back. Back to the time when that person was yours, when you were in love, and even to when and how they hurt you. And how you’ve felt everyday since. Love changes you, whether it be positive or negative, it changes you. And everyday you love someone you are changed from the person you once were, to a new person, a more developed person in possibly a negative or positive way. You can become broken down, or lifted up. Your personality can be dimmed or strengthened.

Love can destroy you, or make you feel on top of the world. It’s always extremes, never being content, never feeling normal. Love is a psychotic emotion. A crazy state of mind. Something not normal, but yet always wanted from every individual.

Why can’t I be this together person other people are.

Why must my emotions be so strong and demanding?

Why can’t I determine what is real and what is fake feelings.

Nothing makes sense to me, life, love, happiness, what does it all mean?

Can one really be content without someone to share their life, love, and happiness with?

If so, what is the point of relationships at all? Are we even meant to be with one person for our whole lives? 

Quote of the Day

“You don’t get better on the days when you feel like going. You get better on the days when you don’t want to go, but you go anyway. If you can overcome the negative energy coming from your tired body or unmotivated mind, you will grow and become better. It won’t be the best workout you have, you won’t accomplish as much as what you usually do when you actually feel good, but that doesn’t matter. Growth is a long term game, and the crappy days are more important.” -Georges St. Pierre

In class today someone said something so moving, she said being sad shouldn't be seen as a bad thing, it should be seen as a good thing. A certain amount of sadness is needed to be able to recognize happiness.

There are some days when I am so fed up with the world. Times when I want to crawl in my bed and hide away for ages. But these are also the times when I feel most creative. And these are the times which help me appreciate the days that are wonderful for no reason. Overcoming negativity and sadness is something everyone deals with, but the more you keep pushing, the stronger you become. And strength is such a beautiful thing. 

Everyday I am learning about myself and about others. Everyday I get to experience the beauty in the world that many others do not. Everyday I remind myself to appreciate little things that bring me joy, and I challenge you to do the same. 

Sometimes, Things are Hard

Anyone close to me knows that this year has been a year full of large changes for me. I have been going through a lot and my emotions have been all over the place. I've been reading over the things I have written throughout the past few months, and as crazy and emotional as they may be, I'm going to share a few at a time.

I’ve started to have changing feelings.

I’m not sure what direction they are taking me.

I feel empty, lost, but yet I am content.

I am losing you, you are losing me.

Do you know this? Do you know that you are pushing me away?

By the way we aren’t speaking, I think you know this.

Either that or you are hoping I’ll do the dirty work for you.

One minute I’m okay, the next I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest.

I don’t know what to feel, so I’ll just ignore it.

Ignore the situation, the feelings, the loneliness.

Bringing me back to a time where I didn’t feel.

Where I desperately wanted to.

But I couldn’t feel a thing. Physically, emotionally, nothing.

Fighting back the tears, I sit here writing about you. About the relationship we have that I don’t even know exists anymore. Waiting for some evidence, closure, understanding, something, anything. Something that seemingly is never going happen. I don’t know what to do with us anymore, what to think. I don’t know what I want, or whats best, or whats necessary.

"Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got"

Sometimes, people can't give you the apology you deserve, that doesn't make you any less deserving. Accept the apology you never got and move on with your life, you deserve the apology, but more so you deserve to move on. 

Therapy in a classroom

My psychology teacher is one of the greatest and wisest men alive. He doesn't know chemistry or write literature, the knowledge he has is so much more than that. He knows about life, real life happening right now. I call his class therapy because I feel like he speaks directly to me. He's blunt (which works well with me) and he cusses so everything he says is that much more powerful.

A few things I have learned from him:

Never date anyone more fucked up than you are.

• I can't tell you how much I love this. It is so often girls want to save someone, put someone back together and let me be the one to break it to you IT IS NOT OUR PROBLEM. We are not responsible for fixing other people, we can only help ourselves. You don't owe anyone anything, you are not on earth to be Dr. Phil, so stop dating someone that needs to be fixed.

Get the fuck out of here

• You will honestly learn so much and become a better person if you travel to different parts of the world. Experience new things, and live how other people live. This doesn't mean go stay at a 5 star hotel in Africa, it means sleep in a hut, eat what they eat, immerse yourself in another culture and you will end up a different person.

We are all judgemental

• We are constantly judging each other. No matter how much you would like to think that isn't true, it is. We judge each other by the food we eat, what we wear, how we look, there is NO ONE who doesn't judge another person, knowingly or unknowingly. But the more you can be aware of it, the more you can change it. 

There are three different types of relationships

• 1+1=1 Where you believe you complete each other, the whole soul mate thing, and you don't need anyone else. 
• 1+1=2 You each hold your individuality, but still believe that you only need each other.
• 1+1=3 You want three things, by yourself, them by themselves, and you two together. You get something more out of being together, your relationship is an entirely different sphere.
• If you are in a relationship with someone who wants something different than you, it is never going to work, point blank, no discussion.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger? Bullshit

• Don't give power to terrible things that happen to you, because you created that strength, the situation didn't. The person that hurt you didn't give you strength, you made it for yourself. Give yourself credit.

Learning to be alone

After getting out of a four and a half year relationship I found the dating world to be a confusing place. To be honest, I couldn't remember how to be single! Sad, but true, and I desperately wanted to make up for lost time (not the best decision at first). After making it through the hardest stage (heres hoping) I have found a few things that make being newly single not as overwhelming.

1. Reconnect with your friends! Many of us get so wrapped up in our relationships we don't have time for others. This is a time to get together with your guy friends your boyfriend was too jealous of, or the girls that he didn't approve of. Literally, anyone and everyone that you miss get in contact with.

• Surrounding yourself with many people who you care about will make the process easier. Break ups suck no matter whose choice it was. 

2. Do things to make you happy with yourself: Go to the gym, take an art class, read a book, get to know yourself again.

• Single you is much different from relationship you, especially if it has been such a long time since you have had to be by yourself. It is scary at first, but you will discover new things about yourself and fall in love with yourself all over again (and its great). 

3. Get out of your comfort zone. 

• Let me preface this by saying I have probably been on the worlds most awkward dates but opening yourself up to experience new things never ends badly, it just may give you a funny story to tell your friends.

4. Get Drunk

• There is nothing wrong with letting loose and going to the bars, but only a few weeks of this. You're going to have to deal with what you've been through eventually, might as well get it over with.

5. Clean out bad memories!

• Whether it was your choice or not to break up it is inevitable that you have things lying around reminding you of the other person. GET RID OF IT ALL! You're not a bad person for wanting to throw away pictures or journal pages, anything that reminds you of them, trash it! Its not healthy to live in the past and have reminders all around. Its time to make new memories. 

6. It is okay to cry

• At some point, all of the emotions are going to get to you, and that's okay! Its just another way of moving on and letting everything go. Sometimes its random, sometimes theres a reason, but no matter what don't be afraid to cry, it doesn't show weakness just humanity.

7. Focus on other things

• Focus on school work, or give yourself an art project, anything to keep your mind off of it. And yes, sometimes boys do work for this, but not for the long haul.

8. Forgive yourself/your ex

• You're not an asshole, you're not a bad person and neither are they. You fell out of love and it happens. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone makes choices that hurt other people, but in the end this is what is meant to happen, and you will benefit from it so so so much. 

9. Revenge is never the answer

• Whether you want to get revenge or your ex would like to get revenge on you..don't think about that or accept that negativity into your life. This is what is right for now, and no amount of anger will change that, it will only bring you down. 

10. Move on

• Easier said than done, but once you do you remember how amazing you are when you're by yourself. This doesn't mean you'll never think about them, but when you do think about them, it'll start to hurt less and less. 

Intro

I'm going to preface this by saying I have always been one to write when things get tough. I have not been one to share what I write because most of the time it is quite personal, but I have now changed my mind. I find that in most cases that is at least one other person going through something similar to what you've been through, and any little bit of advice helps. This is a place for me to allow myself to say whatever I want knowing people will read it. This is where I can get my crazy out! Enjoy.