Little late night reminders:

• We've all done unforgivable things.
• We've all had nights where it was hard to breathe.
• We've all wanted to smash mirrors and punch walls.
• We've all made someone cry.
• We've all broken someone's heart.
• We've all let somebody down.
• We've all given a wrong answer.
• We've all chocked on an 'I love you'. 

There are so many things that we beat ourselves up about, I am no exception. Sometimes good people make bad choices and hurt the ones they love. It's a hard pill to swallow, and I'm still learning how to deal with that. But I think the most important thing is wanting to improve yourself. You make a mistake and realize you never want to make that mistake again. Life is full of learning, of breaking down and having to build yourself back up. We all have our demons, the thoughts that keep us up all night, the haunting memories, the regret. All we can do is keep going, keep pushing, and hopefully one day, with a brave smile, we can put up a middle finger and move past all the things that haunt us. 

Rant about the real world

So I recently graduated college and here are my feelings about that:

What the fuck am I doing?

Guess I should keep applying to jobs.

NO ONE WILL EVER HIRE ME I SHOULD JUST WORK AT WENDYS

It's still appropriate to get drunk right?

Wait, why was I so anxious to get out of college?

Being a grown up sucks.

Whatever I'm not officially an adult until August.

Everything will be okay.

NO IT WONT.

That is the order of my thoughts about graduating and that happens about everyday. I know others feel the same way I do and it is scary for everyone but damn, I did not realize I would be having a panic attack every other day about what I'm going to do with my life. It is somewhat sad that we are expected to know what we want to do at the age of 22 or in my case 21. Honestly, I can't even decide what I want for breakfast let alone what I want for my future.

And another thing, I love my mom to death but damn I am way too used to not having any rules that living with her is hard. I miss being an irresponsible not yet adult that could get away with a lot of shenanigans.

After a night of fun and alcohol my friend Erika and I stopped at starbucks before I took her home and I'm not lying when I say we looked like we had a rough night, our hair wasn't even brushed. It was then that we sat waiting for our drinks and watching everyone in their business attire that we realized this was soon to be our lives. A horrible realization that we are trying to block out of our minds for at least a few more months.

To all the youngins out there...growing up kinda sucks, stay in college forever!

On the last day of class my professor left me with some enlightening words.

Everything has its cracks, that's how the light gets in.

•  Shut up about the perfection talk, no one and nothing is perfect, if it was we would all be bored out of our minds.

Give up the worry that's fucking you up.

• Don't let worry have enough control over you to fuck you up. The day to day worries are normal, but don't let it control your life, it's not worth it. 

Crazy?

Everyone always tells you to move on. To forget about whatever or whomever is hurting you. Don't talk about it, think about it, just forget about it.

But maybe everyone is wrong, maybe it is healthy to get your emotions out. It's not necessarily going to make me feel better telling you what an asshole you are, but it is for sure not going to make me feel worse.

Why is expressing your feelings always seen as a bad thing? For women especially we just get categorized as crazy. If crazy is not being afraid to say what you feel, sign me up. I've never been into this whole hide your feelings bullshit. I think if someone hurts you, you have a right to tell them. But, this only works if you're not looking for a response cause chances are you aren't going to get one. As long as you are okay with telling someone they're an asshole and not getting a response back, go for it.

If taking risks and sharing your emotions is crazy, normal must be awfully boring.

A few things to remember:

• If being yourself is not enough, then they are not worth it. 

• Never apologize for how you feel. No one can control how they feel. The sun doesn't apologize for being the sun. The rain doesn't say sorry for falling. Feelings just are. 

• Respect yourself enough to know you deserve the very best. 

• You are not obligated to keep those that make you unhappy. 

• If I have to ask for your attention, then I don't even want it. 

• We both know it's your loss. 

And of course, the best for last.
If you ever feel bad about yourself remember that George Bush was once informed that four Brazilian people were killed in Iraq and he responded with 'how many is a Brazilian?'

Growth

"They say that when you love someone you give them pieces of yourself without even realizing it. And when they leave they take these pieces with them. That is why there is so much emptiness in eyes that once could light up the whole room. They forget that we are human beings, and every day we try to mend ourselves, to grow. I don't need those pieces of myself, I have more. You can keep them."

Some days are harder than others. Some days are filled with more loneliness. Some days for no reason at all you pop into my head. I hate those days. But I know there are better days awaiting me, ones with more happiness, freedom, love, and courage. Those days are so wonderful that in the great scheme of things, I will forget about the days I felt lonely while missing you.

Growth can be such a beautifully painful thing. You keep telling yourself that things fall apart so greater things can come together, one door closes so another can open, all those cliche quotes you've heard all your life. No one is really brave enough to talk about the struggle. The struggle of keeping yourself together while your whole world is falling apart. The struggle of reinventing yourself, reinventing your reality, your world. Knowing things are for the best doesn't make them any easier to deal with. So stop kidding yourself. This hurts, life hurts, love hurts. But the fact that you are going through this makes you realize all you are truly capable of. You are strong, you are smart, you are resilient, and you will be okay.

Overthinking

I over think everything.

No, literally everything.

There are constant thoughts floating through my head overwhelming me and I over analyze every bit of anything and everything that ever happens.
The things people say, do, things that happen to me, you name it, I analyze it.
Sometimes its hard for me to sleep because of all these thoughts going on in my head. I keep myself up all night analyzing the most unimportant minuscule thing.

I've tried to make sense of this craziness, but I've never had much luck. Then one day while watching Sex and the City, Ms Carrie Bradshaw says this:
"Well no because that would mean that anything he ever said that I interpreted as sincere is subject to interpretation and in that case what I perceive as his feelings for me may only really be reflected projections of my feelings for him."

Make sense? No it doesn't. Nothing we create in our head makes sense, and shockingly, not everything has a double meaning. It's funny how humans are so desperate to understand everything, that we put meaning to something that has none.

You are more than the mistakes you've made

And I've made a lot, especially recently.
I have become a person I don't necessarily like, one that does not care about others feelings or even her own. I think everyone has a point in their life when things change so rapidly that you kind of go crazy, well that's what happened. I did things I never thought I'd do (or wanted to) and I regret every minute of them. Some, I could've definitely lived without, but other mistakes I have learned greatly from.

To quote my great grandmother, "never do what cannot be undone, and always tell the truth, even if it hurts you it's the right thing to do." Two of the most important rules to live by, that I have not been abiding by recently (sorry Monie). But, life is all about learning, and the only think you can do after you've made a mistake is learn from it. I know I can't fix what I've done, but I can definitely prevent it from happening again. Unfortunately, I have realized I am capable of horrible things I never thought possible, but I have also realized that it's not who I am, and I refuse to take that path any more.

Remember: Everyone makes mistakes. The difference is that some people continue making mistakes, while others learn from them and become better people. I hope to be the latter.

Change

Someday you are going to look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing.

What an important thing to remember, things fall apart so other things can fall together. This time is my life is one of great hurt, but great change, and honestly I have never felt so free. I have never felt so free to be myself, to do what I want to do, I have no one to answer to and that is such a wonderful feeling. I feel as though anything can happen, and I have nothing and no one holding me back, and I plan on making the most of this feeling.

Change is hard, especially when it hits you square in the face. Sometimes, I think that the only way we change is if it is forced upon us. Humans are notorious for getting comfortable and not wanting to disturb that comfort. But honestly? I don't want comfort, I want adventure. I don't want love, I want a partner in crime. I don't want money, I want memories that make me feel rich.

So since graduation is only a few short weeks away, here's to embracing change and loving every minute of it.