All of the things I couldn't say;

David had a glowing personality, he captured the attention of all when he walked in a room with his big goofy smile. He made friends wherever he went and was one of the most genuinely kindest people in the world. As a kid, he taught me how to bait my own hook, cast and fish, light fireworks, and of course how to have a good time. He would never let me refuse an experience or adventure (even if he had to pay me) and I am grateful for that. In December when the pool was freezing he said if I jumped in he would give me 20$, the downside was that I almost got hypothermia, but he still payed up. I am so thankful for the time we had together on his dream trip in Costa Rica. We zip lined, went horseback riding, learned how to surf, and of course went fishing. Although he was in so much pain, he didn't let anything hold him back from an experience.

I have very fond memories of going to Florida to celebrate the dogs birthdays, whether it was Barclay, Kacey Lou Fuzzy Toes, or Rio, we always made it a big party complete with party hats and cake. These are memories that can never be replaced and that I will always hold so dear. He could also make the best strawberry dauqiries I have ever tasted.

David was a second father to me. There was never a moment in which he didn't let me know how proud he was of me, and how much I was loved. He was always finding reasons to reward me, whether it be getting a job, good grades, or making it through another year. His high expectations of me even resulted in a few disciplinary talks that always ended in him explaining how much he loved me. He welcomed any and every stranger and would give you the shirt off his back without being asked.

The last thing I ever said to David was how much I love him, and how many people he has positively impacted in this world. I told him that we would never be able to go on without him, that this world needed him, that I needed him. I hope that he was able to read what I said, or that he at least knows now how much he means to me. The world has lost such an amazing man, but we have all gained a guardian angel. I love you so much, and I miss you more than anything.

During the burial Bruce read a fisherman's prayer that I found to be very fitting to David.

"I pray that I may live to fish until my dying day.
And when it comes to my last cast,
I then most humbly pray;
When in the Lord's great landing net
And peacefully asleep
That in His mercy I be judged
Big enough to keep."

This is not a goodbye, but a see you later. <3 p="">

Little late night reminders:

• We've all done unforgivable things.
• We've all had nights where it was hard to breathe.
• We've all wanted to smash mirrors and punch walls.
• We've all made someone cry.
• We've all broken someone's heart.
• We've all let somebody down.
• We've all given a wrong answer.
• We've all chocked on an 'I love you'. 

There are so many things that we beat ourselves up about, I am no exception. Sometimes good people make bad choices and hurt the ones they love. It's a hard pill to swallow, and I'm still learning how to deal with that. But I think the most important thing is wanting to improve yourself. You make a mistake and realize you never want to make that mistake again. Life is full of learning, of breaking down and having to build yourself back up. We all have our demons, the thoughts that keep us up all night, the haunting memories, the regret. All we can do is keep going, keep pushing, and hopefully one day, with a brave smile, we can put up a middle finger and move past all the things that haunt us. 

Rant about the real world

So I recently graduated college and here are my feelings about that:

What the fuck am I doing?

Guess I should keep applying to jobs.

NO ONE WILL EVER HIRE ME I SHOULD JUST WORK AT WENDYS

It's still appropriate to get drunk right?

Wait, why was I so anxious to get out of college?

Being a grown up sucks.

Whatever I'm not officially an adult until August.

Everything will be okay.

NO IT WONT.

That is the order of my thoughts about graduating and that happens about everyday. I know others feel the same way I do and it is scary for everyone but damn, I did not realize I would be having a panic attack every other day about what I'm going to do with my life. It is somewhat sad that we are expected to know what we want to do at the age of 22 or in my case 21. Honestly, I can't even decide what I want for breakfast let alone what I want for my future.

And another thing, I love my mom to death but damn I am way too used to not having any rules that living with her is hard. I miss being an irresponsible not yet adult that could get away with a lot of shenanigans.

After a night of fun and alcohol my friend Erika and I stopped at starbucks before I took her home and I'm not lying when I say we looked like we had a rough night, our hair wasn't even brushed. It was then that we sat waiting for our drinks and watching everyone in their business attire that we realized this was soon to be our lives. A horrible realization that we are trying to block out of our minds for at least a few more months.

To all the youngins out there...growing up kinda sucks, stay in college forever!

On the last day of class my professor left me with some enlightening words.

Everything has its cracks, that's how the light gets in.

•  Shut up about the perfection talk, no one and nothing is perfect, if it was we would all be bored out of our minds.

Give up the worry that's fucking you up.

• Don't let worry have enough control over you to fuck you up. The day to day worries are normal, but don't let it control your life, it's not worth it. 

Crazy?

Everyone always tells you to move on. To forget about whatever or whomever is hurting you. Don't talk about it, think about it, just forget about it.

But maybe everyone is wrong, maybe it is healthy to get your emotions out. It's not necessarily going to make me feel better telling you what an asshole you are, but it is for sure not going to make me feel worse.

Why is expressing your feelings always seen as a bad thing? For women especially we just get categorized as crazy. If crazy is not being afraid to say what you feel, sign me up. I've never been into this whole hide your feelings bullshit. I think if someone hurts you, you have a right to tell them. But, this only works if you're not looking for a response cause chances are you aren't going to get one. As long as you are okay with telling someone they're an asshole and not getting a response back, go for it.

If taking risks and sharing your emotions is crazy, normal must be awfully boring.

A few things to remember:

• If being yourself is not enough, then they are not worth it. 

• Never apologize for how you feel. No one can control how they feel. The sun doesn't apologize for being the sun. The rain doesn't say sorry for falling. Feelings just are. 

• Respect yourself enough to know you deserve the very best. 

• You are not obligated to keep those that make you unhappy. 

• If I have to ask for your attention, then I don't even want it. 

• We both know it's your loss. 

And of course, the best for last.
If you ever feel bad about yourself remember that George Bush was once informed that four Brazilian people were killed in Iraq and he responded with 'how many is a Brazilian?'

Growth

"They say that when you love someone you give them pieces of yourself without even realizing it. And when they leave they take these pieces with them. That is why there is so much emptiness in eyes that once could light up the whole room. They forget that we are human beings, and every day we try to mend ourselves, to grow. I don't need those pieces of myself, I have more. You can keep them."

Some days are harder than others. Some days are filled with more loneliness. Some days for no reason at all you pop into my head. I hate those days. But I know there are better days awaiting me, ones with more happiness, freedom, love, and courage. Those days are so wonderful that in the great scheme of things, I will forget about the days I felt lonely while missing you.

Growth can be such a beautifully painful thing. You keep telling yourself that things fall apart so greater things can come together, one door closes so another can open, all those cliche quotes you've heard all your life. No one is really brave enough to talk about the struggle. The struggle of keeping yourself together while your whole world is falling apart. The struggle of reinventing yourself, reinventing your reality, your world. Knowing things are for the best doesn't make them any easier to deal with. So stop kidding yourself. This hurts, life hurts, love hurts. But the fact that you are going through this makes you realize all you are truly capable of. You are strong, you are smart, you are resilient, and you will be okay.

Overthinking

I over think everything.

No, literally everything.

There are constant thoughts floating through my head overwhelming me and I over analyze every bit of anything and everything that ever happens.
The things people say, do, things that happen to me, you name it, I analyze it.
Sometimes its hard for me to sleep because of all these thoughts going on in my head. I keep myself up all night analyzing the most unimportant minuscule thing.

I've tried to make sense of this craziness, but I've never had much luck. Then one day while watching Sex and the City, Ms Carrie Bradshaw says this:
"Well no because that would mean that anything he ever said that I interpreted as sincere is subject to interpretation and in that case what I perceive as his feelings for me may only really be reflected projections of my feelings for him."

Make sense? No it doesn't. Nothing we create in our head makes sense, and shockingly, not everything has a double meaning. It's funny how humans are so desperate to understand everything, that we put meaning to something that has none.

You are more than the mistakes you've made

And I've made a lot, especially recently.
I have become a person I don't necessarily like, one that does not care about others feelings or even her own. I think everyone has a point in their life when things change so rapidly that you kind of go crazy, well that's what happened. I did things I never thought I'd do (or wanted to) and I regret every minute of them. Some, I could've definitely lived without, but other mistakes I have learned greatly from.

To quote my great grandmother, "never do what cannot be undone, and always tell the truth, even if it hurts you it's the right thing to do." Two of the most important rules to live by, that I have not been abiding by recently (sorry Monie). But, life is all about learning, and the only think you can do after you've made a mistake is learn from it. I know I can't fix what I've done, but I can definitely prevent it from happening again. Unfortunately, I have realized I am capable of horrible things I never thought possible, but I have also realized that it's not who I am, and I refuse to take that path any more.

Remember: Everyone makes mistakes. The difference is that some people continue making mistakes, while others learn from them and become better people. I hope to be the latter.

Change

Someday you are going to look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing.

What an important thing to remember, things fall apart so other things can fall together. This time is my life is one of great hurt, but great change, and honestly I have never felt so free. I have never felt so free to be myself, to do what I want to do, I have no one to answer to and that is such a wonderful feeling. I feel as though anything can happen, and I have nothing and no one holding me back, and I plan on making the most of this feeling.

Change is hard, especially when it hits you square in the face. Sometimes, I think that the only way we change is if it is forced upon us. Humans are notorious for getting comfortable and not wanting to disturb that comfort. But honestly? I don't want comfort, I want adventure. I don't want love, I want a partner in crime. I don't want money, I want memories that make me feel rich.

So since graduation is only a few short weeks away, here's to embracing change and loving every minute of it.

More Thoughts from the Past

The feelings of the past always seem to persevere into the future.

No matter how content you may be, when that one person contacts you again, the one who hurt you, the one that got away, you forget everything in the present and move back. Back to the time when that person was yours, when you were in love, and even to when and how they hurt you. And how you’ve felt everyday since. Love changes you, whether it be positive or negative, it changes you. And everyday you love someone you are changed from the person you once were, to a new person, a more developed person in possibly a negative or positive way. You can become broken down, or lifted up. Your personality can be dimmed or strengthened.

Love can destroy you, or make you feel on top of the world. It’s always extremes, never being content, never feeling normal. Love is a psychotic emotion. A crazy state of mind. Something not normal, but yet always wanted from every individual.

Why can’t I be this together person other people are.

Why must my emotions be so strong and demanding?

Why can’t I determine what is real and what is fake feelings.

Nothing makes sense to me, life, love, happiness, what does it all mean?

Can one really be content without someone to share their life, love, and happiness with?

If so, what is the point of relationships at all? Are we even meant to be with one person for our whole lives? 

Quote of the Day

“You don’t get better on the days when you feel like going. You get better on the days when you don’t want to go, but you go anyway. If you can overcome the negative energy coming from your tired body or unmotivated mind, you will grow and become better. It won’t be the best workout you have, you won’t accomplish as much as what you usually do when you actually feel good, but that doesn’t matter. Growth is a long term game, and the crappy days are more important.” -Georges St. Pierre

In class today someone said something so moving, she said being sad shouldn't be seen as a bad thing, it should be seen as a good thing. A certain amount of sadness is needed to be able to recognize happiness.

There are some days when I am so fed up with the world. Times when I want to crawl in my bed and hide away for ages. But these are also the times when I feel most creative. And these are the times which help me appreciate the days that are wonderful for no reason. Overcoming negativity and sadness is something everyone deals with, but the more you keep pushing, the stronger you become. And strength is such a beautiful thing. 

Everyday I am learning about myself and about others. Everyday I get to experience the beauty in the world that many others do not. Everyday I remind myself to appreciate little things that bring me joy, and I challenge you to do the same. 

Sometimes, Things are Hard

Anyone close to me knows that this year has been a year full of large changes for me. I have been going through a lot and my emotions have been all over the place. I've been reading over the things I have written throughout the past few months, and as crazy and emotional as they may be, I'm going to share a few at a time.

I’ve started to have changing feelings.

I’m not sure what direction they are taking me.

I feel empty, lost, but yet I am content.

I am losing you, you are losing me.

Do you know this? Do you know that you are pushing me away?

By the way we aren’t speaking, I think you know this.

Either that or you are hoping I’ll do the dirty work for you.

One minute I’m okay, the next I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest.

I don’t know what to feel, so I’ll just ignore it.

Ignore the situation, the feelings, the loneliness.

Bringing me back to a time where I didn’t feel.

Where I desperately wanted to.

But I couldn’t feel a thing. Physically, emotionally, nothing.

Fighting back the tears, I sit here writing about you. About the relationship we have that I don’t even know exists anymore. Waiting for some evidence, closure, understanding, something, anything. Something that seemingly is never going happen. I don’t know what to do with us anymore, what to think. I don’t know what I want, or whats best, or whats necessary.

"Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got"

Sometimes, people can't give you the apology you deserve, that doesn't make you any less deserving. Accept the apology you never got and move on with your life, you deserve the apology, but more so you deserve to move on. 

Therapy in a classroom

My psychology teacher is one of the greatest and wisest men alive. He doesn't know chemistry or write literature, the knowledge he has is so much more than that. He knows about life, real life happening right now. I call his class therapy because I feel like he speaks directly to me. He's blunt (which works well with me) and he cusses so everything he says is that much more powerful.

A few things I have learned from him:

Never date anyone more fucked up than you are.

• I can't tell you how much I love this. It is so often girls want to save someone, put someone back together and let me be the one to break it to you IT IS NOT OUR PROBLEM. We are not responsible for fixing other people, we can only help ourselves. You don't owe anyone anything, you are not on earth to be Dr. Phil, so stop dating someone that needs to be fixed.

Get the fuck out of here

• You will honestly learn so much and become a better person if you travel to different parts of the world. Experience new things, and live how other people live. This doesn't mean go stay at a 5 star hotel in Africa, it means sleep in a hut, eat what they eat, immerse yourself in another culture and you will end up a different person.

We are all judgemental

• We are constantly judging each other. No matter how much you would like to think that isn't true, it is. We judge each other by the food we eat, what we wear, how we look, there is NO ONE who doesn't judge another person, knowingly or unknowingly. But the more you can be aware of it, the more you can change it. 

There are three different types of relationships

• 1+1=1 Where you believe you complete each other, the whole soul mate thing, and you don't need anyone else. 
• 1+1=2 You each hold your individuality, but still believe that you only need each other.
• 1+1=3 You want three things, by yourself, them by themselves, and you two together. You get something more out of being together, your relationship is an entirely different sphere.
• If you are in a relationship with someone who wants something different than you, it is never going to work, point blank, no discussion.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger? Bullshit

• Don't give power to terrible things that happen to you, because you created that strength, the situation didn't. The person that hurt you didn't give you strength, you made it for yourself. Give yourself credit.

Learning to be alone

After getting out of a four and a half year relationship I found the dating world to be a confusing place. To be honest, I couldn't remember how to be single! Sad, but true, and I desperately wanted to make up for lost time (not the best decision at first). After making it through the hardest stage (heres hoping) I have found a few things that make being newly single not as overwhelming.

1. Reconnect with your friends! Many of us get so wrapped up in our relationships we don't have time for others. This is a time to get together with your guy friends your boyfriend was too jealous of, or the girls that he didn't approve of. Literally, anyone and everyone that you miss get in contact with.

• Surrounding yourself with many people who you care about will make the process easier. Break ups suck no matter whose choice it was. 

2. Do things to make you happy with yourself: Go to the gym, take an art class, read a book, get to know yourself again.

• Single you is much different from relationship you, especially if it has been such a long time since you have had to be by yourself. It is scary at first, but you will discover new things about yourself and fall in love with yourself all over again (and its great). 

3. Get out of your comfort zone. 

• Let me preface this by saying I have probably been on the worlds most awkward dates but opening yourself up to experience new things never ends badly, it just may give you a funny story to tell your friends.

4. Get Drunk

• There is nothing wrong with letting loose and going to the bars, but only a few weeks of this. You're going to have to deal with what you've been through eventually, might as well get it over with.

5. Clean out bad memories!

• Whether it was your choice or not to break up it is inevitable that you have things lying around reminding you of the other person. GET RID OF IT ALL! You're not a bad person for wanting to throw away pictures or journal pages, anything that reminds you of them, trash it! Its not healthy to live in the past and have reminders all around. Its time to make new memories. 

6. It is okay to cry

• At some point, all of the emotions are going to get to you, and that's okay! Its just another way of moving on and letting everything go. Sometimes its random, sometimes theres a reason, but no matter what don't be afraid to cry, it doesn't show weakness just humanity.

7. Focus on other things

• Focus on school work, or give yourself an art project, anything to keep your mind off of it. And yes, sometimes boys do work for this, but not for the long haul.

8. Forgive yourself/your ex

• You're not an asshole, you're not a bad person and neither are they. You fell out of love and it happens. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone makes choices that hurt other people, but in the end this is what is meant to happen, and you will benefit from it so so so much. 

9. Revenge is never the answer

• Whether you want to get revenge or your ex would like to get revenge on you..don't think about that or accept that negativity into your life. This is what is right for now, and no amount of anger will change that, it will only bring you down. 

10. Move on

• Easier said than done, but once you do you remember how amazing you are when you're by yourself. This doesn't mean you'll never think about them, but when you do think about them, it'll start to hurt less and less. 

Intro

I'm going to preface this by saying I have always been one to write when things get tough. I have not been one to share what I write because most of the time it is quite personal, but I have now changed my mind. I find that in most cases that is at least one other person going through something similar to what you've been through, and any little bit of advice helps. This is a place for me to allow myself to say whatever I want knowing people will read it. This is where I can get my crazy out! Enjoy.